I love books about single women because I am one and all people--not just single ladies--enjoy reading about themselves, particularly if their identity is somewhat fraught or complicated.
I was reading the book on a long car ride with my parents, coming home from a funeral for my maternal grandfather. I started telling my parents a couple fascinating facts from the book: did you know that a 2011 survey found that for adults under the age of 34, 46% have never married? 46%!! That's one in two! I'm NORMAL.
My dad said, "Well, Jenny, do you want to get married?"
Boy, what a question. You think it would have an easy answer, right? Of course, it does not, as "getting married" is not something you put on a 5 year plan the way you might say "Someday, I want to travel to Japan", "Someday, I want to parachute out of a plane", "Someday, I want to run a marathon". Those are all things that you can personally plan for and carry out, whereas marriage involves--and this is crucial--another person.
And here's a little quirk I have: if I'm going to tie myself financially and domestically to another person for a really long time, I want it to be to someone I like. I know, I know. Single women always get accused of being "too picky", and here I am, demanding that I enjoy the company of the person I spend the rest of my life with. *Sigh* What a cliche.
Ok, I'm obviously being sarcastic. But finding someone you like, who also likes you, and having similar goals and values in life is hard! I would argue that I'm actually not all that picky. I have two baseline requirements to date someone: 1) I must be sexually attracted to them (scandalous!) and 2) I must enjoy just hanging out with them and talking to them. Maybe I'm a weirdo, but it's actually pretty challenging to find both of these qualities in another person. And, obviously, those are just the BASELINE qualities. If it turns out I'm sexually attracted to and enjoy hanging out with a heroin-addicted street gambler, I'm probably not going to marry them. I know! So picky.
But there's a deeper question to be asked here: why marriage? Seriously, I'm asking: what is the point? In the past, a lot of things were tied to marriage: sex, babies, security, and social status. Nowadays, none of that shit is tied to marriage. Sex outside of marriage, LOL. Even super religious people I know did the dirty deed (sometimes with more than one person!) before they got married. Babies? Ok, well admittedly that's more complicated and it probably does benefit kids to have parents that, if not married, are at least in a solid relationship and are working together to raise them. However, I know a couple single mothers by choice who decided to go ahead and adopt since they really wanted kids and didn't want to wait for Mr. Right. So it's totally possible, if not easy by any stretch.
Security. Well, two incomes are usually better than one. But I'd argue that unless you have a certain amount of wealth, no one is actually "secure". If you live near the poverty line, it doesn't matter if you're married or not, your life is probably VERY insecure and an injury or illness could ruin you. Politicians love to talk about bootstrapping, but if you're working a labor-intensive job and your partner is at home raising 3 kids and you put your back out? Marriage won't save you then. And politicians will just say you're a lazy freeloader.
Social status? Eh, maybe. It used to be that you weren't seen as a real adult until you married and had kids. But is that even a thing anymore? I know a lot of married people and a lot of single people, and they run the gamut hardcore between "mature" and "immature", regardless of their marital status. It really is quite subjective. I've always felt very behind my peers in the area of romance. I had my first kiss at age 20 (for most people it's around age, what? 13 or 14?). I lost what most people consider "virginity" at age 25 (for many people it's around age 18, give or take). Given this track record, I put myself at settling down with a partner around age 36. It would fit in perfectly with the rest of my timeline. Let's say I do marry or settle down or whatever in my late 30s--is that less adult than marrying at age 21?
Simply put, marriage is not what it used to be even one generation ago. It's not a requirement or a given anymore. That said, there is (ironically) a weird pressure on single people to be "happy" about it. Singleness is supposed to be empowering and sexy! Single people have an important job, and that is to regale our married friends with sexy tales of our depravity and Tinder dates (deep dark secret: most dates I go on are "ok" and then I never see the person again. HAWT). And this pressure to be happy in our singleness is just as annoying as I expect it is for married people to be SO IN LOVE with their spouse 100% of the time.
You know, I just think there's a lot of pressure on people--married or not, parents or not--to be fucking happy all the time and shut the fuck up about it. Right? No one likes a negative Nancy. No one likes sad Facebook posts. No one likes admitting that human beings literally can't be happy all the time because that is impossible since by definition the ability to experience joy only works when you've experienced its opposite.
Well, fuck. that. Here's a shocking revelation: sometimes I am very happy being single and sometimes I am very sad being single. Sometimes, I am lonely. Other times, I like being alone. Sometimes, I envy my married friends. Other times, I think marriage must be a drag. Sometimes, I see my friends' kids and think "OH MY GOD CHILDREN ARE LIFES GREATEST JOY" other times I see them and think "nope."
It's easier to go through life seeing things in black and white. It's easier when you see things as "right" and "wrong". I talked about religion in an earlier post and I think a lot of fundamentalist religious people are attracted to that way of living because it provides a clear set of answers. And it's not just religious people--anyone who subscribes to a certain way of thinking or living and holds tightly to those beliefs without ever challenging them is doing the same thing: making life easier to deal with at the expense of embracing life's complexity and the full extent of its beauty and messiness.
I've been trying in the past couple years to embrace the concept of "radical acceptance", which is where you accept ALL of your emotions, positive and negative, as they come and don't try to hold onto or push away any of them. It's really, really, really hard. Because we all want to push away sadness and cling to happiness. So many messages we get in our culture are about how happiness = good, sadness = bad...without acknowledging that you need one to experience the other. And that much of daily life falls somewhere in between.
So what does all this have to do with singleness? I reserve the right to be both frustrated with being single, but STILL hold to my standard of not settling until I meet "the right person", whoever and whenever that will be--IF it happens at all. I reserve the right to be seen as a full human being if I NEVER settle down and/or have kids. I reserve the right to not be pitied, but to be listened to. I reserve the right to NOT be Carrie from Sex and the City, who was upheld as a sexy singleton but was actually a selfish, boring person and not someone to admire.
And on behalf of my married and/or with kids friends, I reserve THEIR right to not always be thrilled in their marriage. To not have to pretend that when you meet the right person "it's soooo easy" for the rest of your life. Or that having kids is endless joy and that sleepless nights and constant worrying are really ok because yay kids! I may be single, but I'm not a fool: building your life with someone and raising children is difficult and sometimes you want to run away from it. Those normal feelings don't cancel out the joy it brings.
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| What I assume parenting is like |
In either situation (or other situations not mentioned), the real pain comes from not being able to express our full range of emotions and the depth of our fears and desires. Putting a happy face on all of our choices and insinuating that if you're not fulfilled 100% of the time, YOU'RE the problem, is a total lie and you shouldn't buy it! Life is sometimes sad and scary and that's ok and normal.
So, my challenge to you all is to be a little more honest, and little more vulnerable, and a little more open-minded. Don't denigrate someone's life choices, but don't worship them either. Instead, listen to both the good and the bad. People want to be heard. They want to be seen. They want to be understood. Give them this, and you may find that your life becomes a little easier too.
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