I just. want. to stop. trying. to be perfect.
Perfectionism. Achievement. Reaching and struggling. It's the monkey on all of our backs, ain't it? Whether it comes to you in the form of an ache for a 4.0 GPA, or trying so hard to lose the last 10 pounds, or to just save a few more thousand dollars, or to be a great parent AND a top-notch employee, the feeling is there: you're not good enough. You're not ENOUGH enough. And it's your own fault for being lazy.
Ironically, these feelings and desires we have to be more, be better, leave us further behind in the rat race, at least psychologically.
Take this study on self-control. Feeling that you need to simply exert more willpower to achieve [X] thing means you are more likely to be/feel out of control. It's not very fair, is it?
Desire for perfectionism is, of course, complex. It's both nature and nurture. We all know people who seem to have it all: a great job that they're excelling at, wonderful relationships, a beautiful home, a fulfilling social life...and yet, they feel that it's not enough. They feel that *they're* not enough. Maybe you are that person. Every time you reach a goal that should make you feel happy and satisfied, you're left feeling all the more empty.
I think there's a pretty good case for lowering the bar, and, in fact, caring less. Here's a fun article I read a while ago that makes the case for caring less about your job as a way to enjoy it more and do better at it. It makes a lot of sense actually. Have you ever been in a stressful situation and decided not to worry about the outcome, and end up with the exact outcome you wanted? Perhaps it was a first date and you decided to "just have fun"...and ended up on the greatest date of your life. Or maybe it was a job interview for a position you weren't too invested in--the fact that you didn't care so much about it made you relax and you came across as comfortable and confident. Maybe you even got a job offer?
I'm not making the argument that you should be apathetic. Not at all, quite the contrary actually. You *should* care--but you should care primarily about what is important to you, and you should care in a different way.
Caring doesn't mean controlling every aspect of a situation. You can care deeply about your kids while not hovering over them, micromanaging them constantly. You can care about finding a romantic partner without forcing yourself on dates with people you don't click with. You can care about your living space without vacuuming every day.
But most importantly, you can care about yourself while not holding yourself to an impossible standard. It's hard, I know. I was a straight-A student in high school and a nearly straight-A student in college. Do you know how hard it is to be a straight-A student for 22 years only to realize grades aren't a thing by which you're measured in adulthood?
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| Image credit: www.flickr.com/photos/wscullin/3948683457/ |
I was taught that I was overweight as a kid. I was taught that getting on a scale was a moment to feel shame and embarrassment. I lost weight in college while doing literally nothing. And then, over the next decade I gained it back. I'm like a size 10 now. Which is nothing. Who cares? A size 10 is normal. Smaller than average, actually. I might even be a size 8 on a good day. But do you think a day goes by where I don't monitor everything I eat? Where I don't sigh and think "If I just tried harder. If I just had more self-control. I could lose the weight." And what would losing 10 pounds get me? More dates? Hardly. The only thing losing weight would get me would be the stress and fear of gaining it back.
Thus, my statement to my therapist: I just want to stop trying to be perfect. Because there is no perfect. There is no weight goal or salary raise or relationship where you will be satisfied and happy forever more. You'll just be on to the next thing that's not going perfectly in your life.
There is actually a way to be satisfied and happy, but it takes some work. And that's figuring out how to be satisfied with your life, your weight, your job...right now, as it is. And in the next moment, as it is. And the moment after that, and every moment here on out. I know this sounds like woo-woo bullshit. It sounds like something Oprah would say: "be satisfied in the here and now". It sounds impossible! It sounds laughable. And yet, it exists. I know because I've experienced it. Not every day, but often enough. I had a moment last summer where I was thinking about how I was single and I felt genuine panic rising in my throat. And then I thought: I can panic right now, and nothing will change. Panic and fear won't find me the relationship I'm looking for. But if I don't panic and I decide that I will be ok, even if I'm single forever, then I won't have this bad, shitty, scary feeling anymore. So I--for once in my worrywart life--chose not to panic but to be calm. I released that fear--fear of the future and of the unknown. I released that sense that if I was prettier, skinnier, less opinionated, better...then I would be loved. And I accepted that I am loved already.
What's making you panic right now? What are you striving for and somehow not achieving? What's telling you that you're not good enough? Instead of fighting or striving or trying so hard, past the point where it feels good to try (because that's the good kind of striving--the kind that feels rewarding)--what if you...gave up? Surrendered? Stopped trying so hard? Stopped caring so much? What if you stopped running in circles and just sat down on the ground an enjoyed the many things you already have?
People invest a LOT in the "never give up, never stop trying" mindset. And in some cases, that's not a bad thing. Hard work on something you love is worth it. But is hard work on everything in life, where the goals have flown out the window and you're being driven not by love, but by fear and self-disgust...is that worth it? Is it getting you closer to who you want to be? Maybe it's time to admit that you're not perfect and never will be. No one is. And that you'll never "have it all", because there's always more to have. And when you give up that dream, you'll probably realize you've already achieved it...but were just to busy to notice.
