#NotAllMen; or, How To Be a Good Guy in a Shitty World

I've joked in the past that I'm cursed with heterosexuality because it means I have to "sleep with the enemy"--the enemy being men.

I'm being a tad facetious when I say things like this...but only a tad facetious. Because it's true that there are a lot of men out there who range from boneheaded to apathetic to just plain cruel when it comes to caring about women's rights. As a liberal, feminist woman, you have to dig through that haystack to find the needle of a guy who cares.

There are a lot of little anecdotes I could tell you about Dating While Feminist that would hopefully make you understand the tightrope walk between not "offending" guys while also looking for a guy who won't offend me.

• My dad's suggestion that I tone down the feminist aspects of my dating profile so as not to "scare off" otherwise good guys. (Love you dad! And I think after Trump was elected even you don't believe I should tone myself down anymore).
• The guy I went out with who said that the all-female Ghostbusters remake was "pandering" to female audiences. When I asked if the all-male original was pandering to male audiences, he was curiously silent. WHO YA GONNA CALL, FUCKER?
• The guy I went out with who, after I mentioned I was a "young, budding feminist" in my teens asked, without skipping a beat, "But you grew out of that, right?" 
• The guy I went out with who saw some scantily clad young ladies at a bar we were at and said to me "Girls like that love to tell guys 'no'". Any guesses how he took being told "no" by me later on that night? (Not well)

BUT for all these incidences, there have been men in my life who have been absolutely lovely allies. To be a man who is an ally to women is actually quite simple. It takes three things: a brain, a heart, and courage.

No ruby slippers required.

A Brain

The first step to being a male ally is to simply look around you and acknowledge reality. Here's the thing: not all men are created equal. Plenty of men in our society and in other societies around the world have be systematically fucked over. So it's tempting to hear people talk about feminism or Black Lives Matter and say, "Sure, but what about me? I've struggled too!" Indeed! And your struggles are valid and if you date the right woman, she should and will care about your problems too. 

But feminism and anti-racism isn't a zero-sum game. By acknowledging, for example, the fact that more women are the victims of rape than men, you are not dishonoring the men who have been victims of rape. By acknowledging that historical and systemic racism contributes to more black people living in poverty, you are not dishonoring the white people who struggle to feed their children and make ends meet.

I know, I know. Yes, there are people out there (mostly on the Internet) who love to mock "poor little white men" and their so-called problems. These people are being jerks, but please realize they are saying these things out of a place of frustration. For centuries, women and vulnerable minorities have suffered at the hands of white men, so it's frustrating to try to bring up these inequalities only to be met with "b-b-b-but what about ME??" And that leads to all the memes about drinking male tears out of a teacup.

Dudes, I get it. Every person on the planet suffers to a greater or lesser extent. Whether your suffering comes from being a blind paraplegic begging for scraps in India or by getting snubbed at the country club, everyone faces challenges and cries themselves to sleep at night once in a while. But let's try to get some perspective. Take a step back from your struggles and consider what other people go through. I force myself to do this all the time. It's not that my emotions are invalid, it's just that comparatively, I was given a sweet-ass deal at birth: I'm white. I'm able-bodied. I was born into a comfortable, middle-class family. My parents weren't abusive. Etc, etc. So, while I have the right to feel down in the dumps every so often, I try to practice gratitude about the many things I do have that I didn't even do anything to earn! 

So, back to having a brain. Intelligent men will look around them and see reality plainly: inequality exists and it usually falls harder on women than men, people of color than white people, queer people than straight people, etc. The first step is simply being willing to acknowledge reality. 

A Heart

The second step, once reality is acknowledged, is to give a shit. I dated a wonderful man (hi, Bob!) for 8 months when I lived in Nashville. I don't know if he would call himself a feminist, but his actions spoke louder than any words could: this guy gave a shit about people. He actually cared about his friends. And I saw this. I saw him. And I thought--I trust this man to be by my side when shit hits the fan.

Obviously, caring is easy on a personal level. You tend to care about the people you love in your life and want the best for them. It's harder to care on a bigger scale because it all seems so abstract. How does a man be an ally to women *in general*? Well, there are so many ways! Of course, you can donate to causes that support women's rights. You can volunteer. You can validate women's experiences. 

But probably the best and most amazing thing you can do is call out other men who don't give a shit about women. But, oh my god, does this take...

Courage

Courage is the final piece of the puzzle. To be a man who cares about women, or a white person who cares about black people...it takes fucking balls. We don't like to acknowledge this because we think that if we're good people it should be easy to stand up against wrong.

But it's not. It's not easy. What's easy is to stay silent. 

Men out there looking to be allies to women: if you are privy to conversations where you hear other men saying nasty shit about women and you have the big brass ones to say "That's not cool", I respect the goddamn hell out of you. To me, this is what it means to "be a man". You want to be a hero? You want to be a masculine as fuck cowboy? Then challenge your own beliefs about gender and challenge other people's beliefs about gender.

The act of men calling out other men on their bullshit has recently been labeled "white knighting", but I don't agree with that, especially when the calling out happens in private without women actually there. When it's just you and some asshole mocking women, there is no damsel to save or impress: there's just your own reputation on the line. And most guys won't risk it. 

What guy wants to be called a "pussy" or a "faggot" for the criminal act of giving a shit about half the world's population? I'll tell you what kind of guy: a strong, confident, courageous guy. In fact, scratch the word "guy": a man. A man sticks up for what's right. A man isn't afraid of what other, let's face it, lesser men think of him. A grown-ass man will laugh in the face of some stupid jerk calling him a "faggot" or a "pussy" because he knows he's better than that guy.

Yes, yes, I'm playing a bit to the masculine ego here, but why not? Many guys want to feel like quote "real men" unquote. There's nothing wrong with that! The trick is to acknowledge was a so-called real man does and is. And it's not being silent in the face of bullshit injustice. 

Morrissey is kind of a pill, but his lyrics ain't wrong!

***

The assholes of the world want to make it hard for men to stand up for women (but not in a way that puts women an a pedestal--that's benevolent sexism.) The bizarre irony we're encountering these days includes men taking the role of the victim--claiming that, in fact, women are the dominant sex and men are pawns to them. It's ironic because these same men hate it when women "play the victim", yet they're happy to play the vicim themselves in a world that caters to their every whim. Instead of acknowledging "Hey, we white men have it pretty good in general! Let's go out there and help others less fortunate than us!" they want the subjugate women and subjugate people of color. 

Instead of helping others achieve equality, they want to step on them on their way to getting more power. Why do you think Trump got elected? It's backlash against the push for/rise in equality among queer people and people of color over the past few decades. These kinds of people say to themselves: gay marriage was made legal, and now all these trans people want to be seen and acknowledged too? OMG, black people are filming the police beating the shit out of them and killing them for no reason?? We're about to potentially lose our place on the food chain and we have to push back! You know who the REAL victims are? White, heterosexual, Christian men!! 

C'mon guys. You're better than this. I KNOW you are because I've seen you be better than this with my own eyes. The hashtag #NotAllMen is fucking annoying, but it's not 100% inaccurate. In fact, "not all men" are terrible. But if you want the right to use that hashtag, you have to walk the walk. If for no other reason than to provide me with more feminist bachelors to go out with, mmmkay? 

Purity, and Other Lies My Church Told Me

I was raised in a relatively not crazy church. From birth to fifth grade, I attended a Methodist church in small town Ohio. Then, from 5th grade to 9th grade, I attended a Presbyterian church in suburban  Pennsylvania. Finally, from 10th grade to 12th grade, I attended yet another Methodist church in suburban Virginia.

None of these churches were particularly fire and brimstone, but that doesn't mean that the fire and brimstone didn't find its way to me.

My parents, not remotely religious fanatics, subscribed to magazines from Focus on the Family, an evangelical Christian publication that focuses on...well, the family. If you grew up in the late 90s and early 00s with religion in your life, you're probably familiar with this organization and its founder, James Dobson.

One of the magazines published by Focus on the Family was titled Brio and it was aimed at pre-teen and teen girls. I subscribed to and read this magazine for a couple years when I was a teenager.

Brio ruined religion for me in a number of ways.

Brio was anti-feminist, anti-homosexuality, and pro-"purity". I put "purity" in quotation marks because the concept of purity isn't real. It only exists in our minds.

What is purity culture? Well, it's the belief, usually tied to religion, that there is such a thing as sexual purity and that this is a good thing worth achieving. The idea is that only one form of sexuality that God approves of exists: heterosexual sex within the confines of marriage. Everything else is "impure".







What falls outside the confines of "pure" sexuality?

• All forms of sex outside of marriage
• Pornography
• Homosexual sex
• Anything too "weird" even inside a marriage
• Lustful thoughts, and possibly masturbation, depending on who you're asking

As you can seem, purity condemns the vast majority of human sexual experience and gives little room for sexual exploration unless you are a heterosexual married person. 

At the same time as I subscribed to Brio, I was also reading a little publication called Bust on the regular. Bust is a feminist magazine that delves into topics as varied as abortion, money, DIY crafts, political activism, and sexuality. Dear readers, which magazine do you think won out in my budding teenage brain?

Which mag looks more fun to you?

I feel as though I dodged a bullet because all this purity stuff never really stuck to me. For a few brief moments, I might have believed in it, but all that went out the window when I became sexually active in college. Well...it sort of went out the window. Instead of dropping the concept of purity like a lead ballon from my psyche, it became something for me to push against. I remember fooling around with my college boyfriend in my shitty little dorm room and thinking "Fuck you, James Dobson". Seriously.

Fuck. You. Fuck. You. Fuck. You.

Over the years, as I read--even sought out--fundamentalist evangelical perspectives on feminism and sexuality, my hatred towards these beliefs crystalized. Yes, true hatred. Blinding anger that people out there had the gall to believe homosexuality was a sin, that sex before marriage was wrong, and--worst of all--that women should be "submissive" to men, became a hard, black ball of coal in my heart. It has, for better or for worse, colored by view of religion here on out. It so deeply struck and wounded my feminist heart--my heart that is fiercely protective of other people and of myself--that I couldn't untangle it from more mainstream religious beliefs. 

Why wait?

By some magical stroke of luck, I have never attached shame to my sexuality. I have been fearful and cautious, yes. Open and vulnerable, yes. But ashamed? Never. Never once have I felt "impure" for any of my sexual behavior (which has entirely been outside the confines of marriage). In fact, my sexuality has felt quite the opposite: sacred, joyous, fun, playful, lovely, beautiful, safe. Pure. 

But I'm so, so lucky in this. For many people, women especially, and women raised in conservative religion especially especially, sexuality is not fun. It's not safe. It's not intuitive. How many women have I encountered who have felt disgusted by their own bodies? Who have been threatened by the existence of pornography? Who have been groped, catcalled, assaulted, and raped? Too many. Too many to count. 

And it's not just women. How many men have I known and/or dated who felt they had to prove their manhood by being sexual in a certain way? Who were told their bodies were gross? Who were shamed of their sexual desires? Too many. 

Our culture--American culture--influenced by both a strong Judeo-Christian history and by capitalism, is massively fucked up when it comes to sex. We are taught that sex is the end all be all of human existence and if you're not having it, you might as well die. And then we're told that gay people are sick sinners and don't deserve equal rights. That women's bodies are up for public consumption and commentary. That actually talking about sexual desires is weird and wrong. That enthusiastic consent is unromantic. That rape isn't real.

We are a fucked up society when it comes to sex. James Dobson is only partially to blame. 

But let me be the first to tell you: "purity" doesn't exist. Sexuality is as natural as a goddamn field of sunflowers. If you were raised to believe in sexual purity, it's your right to believe it. But keep in mind where it comes from: a long history of keeping women under men's control and tied to home and hearth. Celibacy, abstinence until marriage, etc are all choices one is allowed to make. But don't think that one choice makes you better or purer than anyone else. It does not. If you were a virgin at marriage, you are identical in worth to someone who slept with dozens of people before marriage.

You are not defined by what's between your legs. You are not defined by your sexual history. Virginity is not better than not-virginity. Don't be fooled into thinking it is, or that it has a weight and measurable worth. People use these measures to feel better about themselves but it's all an illusion. 

Brio fucked me up, but it also made me free. It gave me solid wall to push against. Like a swimmer in a pool, I kicked and struggled and pushed against the wall of conservative religion, of sexual purity, of anti-feminism, and I exploded into the open, blue bliss of finding myself, unashamed and imperfect.

And wonderfully, beautifully "impure". 

Welcome

Pussy got bank in her pockets
Before she got dick in her drawers
If brother didn't have good and plenty of his own
In love pussy never did fall


Welcome! Pussy Control is a blog about sex, religion, politics, and feminism. It's an outlet for me to express my thoughts on all things related to being a woman in this world, and specifically, being me in this world. Years ago, I vowed never to have a blog where I talk about my personal life because it seemed so navel gaze-y...but I guess I really like my navel or something.