None of these churches were particularly fire and brimstone, but that doesn't mean that the fire and brimstone didn't find its way to me.
My parents, not remotely religious fanatics, subscribed to magazines from Focus on the Family, an evangelical Christian publication that focuses on...well, the family. If you grew up in the late 90s and early 00s with religion in your life, you're probably familiar with this organization and its founder, James Dobson.
One of the magazines published by Focus on the Family was titled Brio and it was aimed at pre-teen and teen girls. I subscribed to and read this magazine for a couple years when I was a teenager.
Brio ruined religion for me in a number of ways.
Brio was anti-feminist, anti-homosexuality, and pro-"purity". I put "purity" in quotation marks because the concept of purity isn't real. It only exists in our minds.
What is purity culture? Well, it's the belief, usually tied to religion, that there is such a thing as sexual purity and that this is a good thing worth achieving. The idea is that only one form of sexuality that God approves of exists: heterosexual sex within the confines of marriage. Everything else is "impure".
What falls outside the confines of "pure" sexuality?
- All forms of sex outside of marriage
- Pornography
- Homosexual sex
- Anything too "weird" even inside a marriage
- Lustful thoughts, and possibly masturbation, depending on who you're asking
As you can seem, purity condemns the vast majority of human sexual experience and gives little room for sexual exploration unless you are a heterosexual married person.
At the same time as I subscribed to Brio, I was also reading a little publication called Bust on the regular. Bust is a feminist magazine that delves into topics as varied as abortion, money, DIY crafts, political activism, and sexuality. Dear readers, which magazine do you think won out in my budding teenage brain?
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| Which mag looks more fun to you? |
I feel as though I dodged a bullet because all this purity stuff never really stuck to me. For a few brief moments, I might have believed in it, but all that went out the window when I became sexually active in college. Well...it sort of went out the window. Instead of dropping the concept of purity like a lead ballon from my psyche, it became something for me to push against. I remember fooling around with my college boyfriend in my shitty little dorm room and thinking "Fuck you, James Dobson". Seriously.
Fuck. You. Fuck. You. Fuck. You.
Over the years, as I read--even sought out--fundamentalist evangelical perspectives on feminism and sexuality, my hatred towards these beliefs crystalized. Yes, true hatred. Blinding anger that people out there had the gall to believe homosexuality was a sin, that sex before marriage was wrong, and--worst of all--that women should be "submissive" to men, became a hard, black ball of coal in my heart. It has, for better or for worse, colored by view of religion here on out. It so deeply struck and wounded my feminist heart--my heart that is fiercely protective of other people and of myself--that I couldn't untangle it from more mainstream religious beliefs.
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| Why wait? |
By some magical stroke of luck, I have never attached shame to my sexuality. I have been fearful and cautious, yes. Open and vulnerable, yes. But ashamed? Never. Never once have I felt "impure" for any of my sexual behavior (which has entirely been outside the confines of marriage). In fact, my sexuality has felt quite the opposite: sacred, joyous, fun, playful, lovely, beautiful, safe. Pure.
But I'm so, so lucky in this. For many people, women especially, and women raised in conservative religion especially especially, sexuality is not fun. It's not safe. It's not intuitive. How many women have I encountered who have felt disgusted by their own bodies? Who have been threatened by the existence of pornography? Who have been groped, catcalled, assaulted, and raped? Too many. Too many to count.
And it's not just women. How many men have I known and/or dated who felt they had to prove their manhood by being sexual in a certain way? Who were told their bodies were gross? Who were shamed of their sexual desires? Too many.
Our culture--American culture--influenced by both a strong Judeo-Christian history and by capitalism, is massively fucked up when it comes to sex. We are taught that sex is the end all be all of human existence and if you're not having it, you might as well die. And then we're told that gay people are sick sinners and don't deserve equal rights. That women's bodies are up for public consumption and commentary. That actually talking about sexual desires is weird and wrong. That enthusiastic consent is unromantic. That rape isn't real.
We are a fucked up society when it comes to sex. James Dobson is only partially to blame.
But let me be the first to tell you: "purity" doesn't exist. Sexuality is as natural as a goddamn field of sunflowers. If you were raised to believe in sexual purity, it's your right to believe it. But keep in mind where it comes from: a long history of keeping women under men's control and tied to home and hearth. Celibacy, abstinence until marriage, etc are all choices one is allowed to make. But don't think that one choice makes you better or purer than anyone else. It does not. If you were a virgin at marriage, you are identical in worth to someone who slept with dozens of people before marriage.
You are not defined by what's between your legs. You are not defined by your sexual history. Virginity is not better than not-virginity. Don't be fooled into thinking it is, or that it has a weight and measurable worth. People use these measures to feel better about themselves but it's all an illusion.
Brio fucked me up, but it also made me free. It gave me solid wall to push against. Like a swimmer in a pool, I kicked and struggled and pushed against the wall of conservative religion, of sexual purity, of anti-feminism, and I exploded into the open, blue bliss of finding myself, unashamed and imperfect.
And wonderfully, beautifully "impure".
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